GarthWars:diary of a overimaginative star wars fan
by black dagger
Summary: What happens when a fan of 'star wars' mixes coffee and a whole day of watching the 'star wars' films on dvd...this does ofcourse. I wrote this due to the fact that there aren't enough SW's parodys
1. Default Chapter

**Garth Wars**

_A.K.A_ **A star Wars fan's diary**

_By Mat Growcott_

**The beginning.**

** My Birthday.**

For my Birthday this year I received:

Star wars Trilogy Box set Coffee Maker Cheese graters 

100. Pounds

20. Pence

I spent my birthday:

Drinking coffee

Grating cheese

Watching star wars as many times as possible.

The result:

I've become a star-wars fan. Not only that but I am now able to use the force and fly an X-wing.

**Day 1 in my conquest against the universe**

****

Hello, my name is Garth, and I'm an evil dictator. Well I will be, that is to say I'm not yet. I am in fact a 15 year old boy from tattooqueen, a place where chocolate is random and time is plentiful. It's also extremely cold, just like Hoth. Although of course it is not possible that Hoth is real, because of the name, it doesn't have more then 1 syllable and therefore does not count as anything.

I became an evil dictator on my birthday, when, from being over caffined and over starwarsed I started to realise that I have special powers. Mostly little things like realising that the swing set in my garden was actually an X-wing: and not as I first imagined it: a swing set.

On my first day as an evil Jedi I defeated a local bully called Fred. Nobody likes getting a funny look and although the battle went on for many hours, and although I came out bloody and bruised, I emerged victorious. That rat will never look at me the same way again.

A few weeks later I discovered that my force power was stronger then most when I lifted up a lorry using only my teeth. My spiritual and physical mentor, Honda, told me that

"Bad that is, worm. Drop and 50 give me"

I obeyed, dropping to the floor and using my force power to stop me from hitting the floor. Luckily I came out with only a scratched knee…

I was looking at a star chart in geography and I discovered that the universe was mine for the taking. I shouted this out loud, and all my classmates laughed with joy (and some also pointed with joy) as I ran from the room and headed to the spaceport where I'd left my x-wing (with some difficulty). To my annoyance I discovered someone had given me a parking ticket. I whipped out my light sabre and cut it in two, smiling as I did so.

I guess today is not the day when I'll begin my campaign.

**Day 2 in my conquest against the universe**

****

I woke up with a smile on my face as I knew today I would become what I had always wanted to be, an evil dictator, hated by all but respected by none. This seemed easier then I thought since I was hated by all and respected by none anyway.

So I walked down the path to school, where my new friend, Oobi one Keube, greeted me.

"How you doing Padawan?" He asked politely

"Well, its stopped itching" I said, scratching my hand.

Two days before we'd attempted to bottle my ultimate force power by sticking my hand in a glass jar and blowing. My hand had become stuck and we started to use butter to get it out before I remembered that I was allergic to butter. My hand swelled up like a T-16 Skyhopper round the bend.

I decided to fly to the first planet today, Tandoricurry. I looked around as I surveyed the planet that soon would be mine. Oobi One Keube was with me.

"Well, looks like this will be an easy gain." He said happily

"Yeah" I replied, "No soldiers, one Indian food cook armed with what appears to be a wok, and a fire extinguisher."

I let my soldiers loose on the place, and then the owner of the planet gave us free chips so that we could get lost. I noticed that a group of boys went in and used our plan. It looked like we had rivals…

Instant Message Conversation Between Garth and Oobi 

Oobi: Heylo Garth

Garth: Heylo

Oobi: How's life?

Garth: There seems to be a bumpy thing in the force.

Oobi: indeed. I have located it. The smiths are at work, moving from planet to planet, eating garbage and sucking sprouts

Garth: indeed this is bad news

Oobi: see you at school

Garth: can you help me with my English homework?


	2. Garth 2even crazier

**Day 3 in my Conquest against the universe**

Wow, its been a while since I've wrote in here and a lot has happened to me. Honda died. I grieved for a few seconds and then I remembered how he died.

"You maggot. Hate you I. Account for nothing you will. Imagination figment am i. No nothing you?"

I asked him about his highly annoying way of speaking and he burst into tears and said…

"You notice? How you notice? Force strong…NOOOOOOOOOOOO"

And with that he jumped over a small lorry, seven cars and a dustbin before meeting a monster truck coming the opposite direction. Hundreds of people were upset that day. The monster truck couldn't perform because of the small green and red Frisbee stuck to the windscreen.

Oobi One Keubi has also died. He fought a smith, the evilest most smelliest sprout suckers this side of tandoricurry.

"If you kill me…I'll be more powerful then you can possibly imagine"

"No you won't…you'll be deader than a can of spam"

Oobi's eyes widened as the fact that he wouldn't be more powerful flooded over him.

"Sorry…er…I didn't mean to call you a stupid moron. Please don't kill me"

"No dice beardy. I'm not stupid, I'm just strange. And you shouldn't insult the morons of this world!! MORONS DON'T DESERVE DEATH!!"

Oobi finally smiled.

"Thank the force. I was getting worried for a second then"

They then broke into song. I've wrote the chorus they sung.

"How many school's must we blow up, before we are classed as average? None because we don't do that sorta stuff. We're good boys at heart, honestly."

Oobi then decided to commit suicide because of a drink problem…I guess I didn't need to tell you all that…

Hmm…over the last few days I've begun to doubt the force even exists. Without my friends for protection I've begun to find lifting things with the force rather difficult.

My mother has booked me into a psychiatrist, I dunno why. I took a look at the shrinks card.

**Dr Elain Ranscum, Sucks the force right out of you, his skill is priceless...**

****

**_...real price may vary_**

****

I'd heard of Ranscum. He wrote some diary thing years ago. In my humble opinion diaries are useless pieces of trash that shouldn't be kept by anyone. I mean…has a diary ever given us insight into a war? Has a diary ever shown us inside the head of a master criminal? Has a diary ever made us laugh?

NO! And don't answer back!

**Day 4 in my conquest against the universe**

****

I bought a druid today. They're useful cause you can throw things at them and they translate languages and stuff. I got a camp one!! He walks around as if he needs designer handbags. He comes with a metal one filled with accessories such as eyeliner…druid oil…spell books…the original blue prints for Stonehenge. He told me why Stonehenge is there.

Apparently it was built as a space port, until the druids realised they hadn't invented the idea of aliens yet…therefore the plan was forgotten and overtime the idea was forgotten and people thought it was weird and out of the ordinary.

I'm planning a trip to Stonehenge. Apparently it's a great place to meet people. And being a people person pilot, I intend to be there.

I saw Oobi today!! I did…honestly. He appeared to me in the mirror. Except he looked, and sounded like me!

"My god," he said "I never imagined you be like this"

I was busy brushing my teeth and ignored him. It took me an hour to figure out it was him and I rushed to the bathroom, only to discover that he'd left, leaving only the exact copy of me in the mirror.

My lightsabre broke today. I was trying to cut down a tree and the end fell off. I wouldn't mind but George Lucas makes us pay for replacements.

I got my heroes autogragph today!! Superman was in town and he signed my shirt

"OH MY GOD!! YOUR SUPERMAN!!"

"What? Your jokin's ain't you kid? I ain't got the nerve (said noy-ve, superman is from New Jersey (said New Joysy))"

All in all a great day!

I went to see Dr Ranscum today, better known as Robotnik. He's a fat, ugly, married man with a taste for red and black. Think of a fat spider man without the looks and you get Ranscum.

"I don't know why you so addicted to the force. Its easy to get over an addiction. 24 months ago I was a drunk without a hope. Then I married a girl I met and suddenly everything was fine. The hedgehog I hated was now my boss and the girl I loved was a…well…. this is too much about me. Here, take these tablets. They induce hallucinations. Next!" The whole meeting lasted about 10 minutes…

Authors note: LOL...sorry for the shameless character plug :P...i wanted one of my fave characters to have a cameo. I also gave out some clues for the next part in RTN. If you want to know more about Elain Ranscum and why the marrage thing is important...read 'Robotniks the name'...by me


	3. Garth 3, duh!

**Day 5 in my quest to conquer the universe**  
  
I met my father today. He's my geography teacher. I don't know how it happened, but its possibly a complicated plot involving releasing slaves, flying some sort of dangerous vehicles, and attempting to kill an annoying gunbun, or maybes its due to the fact that 14 years ago my mom and my geography teacher met on a beach in Wales and one thing led to another...  
  
It was an interesting day on the whole. First lesson of school was geography. I walked in and the geography teacher said we play a game in that someone says a category (such as, anyone wearing socks) and all the people in that category (some wearing socks) would run to a different space. My geography teacher stood up, it was his turn...  
  
"All the people who are related to me, Garth? Get a move on, son."  
  
I thought, that explains why I'm so good at geography; I looked up happily at my project on my trip to Europe, and the many happy days I spent in Seattle and china. I smiled happily.  
  
"DADDY!!" I cried and he took me into his arms and dropped me down a hole, I landed on the minnelium fulcom. "I'm not your father!"  
  
I destroyed the death bar today. It's an iron bar which sticks out of the ground near my home. I attacked it with my light sabre and managed to bend it slightly.  
  
I met a girl Jedi today, she was wearing a skimpy costume and she drove up to the school in a T-16 Ski Hooper, she tried to park in the smallest space imaginable, and like all woman, failed, am I right men?  
  
But the lack of driving skills were made up by the fact she's beautiful, funny, full of it (the force that is) and utterly charming. I spoke to her and she told me her planet was being destroyed by her father, who was a geography teacher. Could it be possible we could be brother and sister? Oh what the hell, I just won't tell her.  
  
**Day 6 in my conquest to conquer the universe, or whatever's good for you  
**  
The girl jedi is called liar, she's groovy.  
  
I settled down to watch the star wars movies again today. I think my drama teacher is jabba the hutt but I'm not 100% sure, she does look like him.  
  
I saw Ranscum again today, he gave me juggling lessons.


End file.
